Amanda Marshall - I'll Be Okay

It's time to let you go
It's time to say goodbye
There's no more excuses
No more tears to cry

There's been so many changes
I was so confused
All along you were the one
All the time I never knew

I want you to be happy
You're my best friend
But it's so hard to let you go now
All that could have been
I'll always have the memories
She'll always have you
Fate has a way of changing
Just when you don't want it to

Throw away the chains
Let love fly away
Till love comes again
I'll be okay

Life passes so quickly
You gotta take the time
Or you'll miss what really matters
You'll miss all the signs
I've spent my life searching
For what was always there
Sometimes it will be too late
Sometimes it won't be fair

I won't give up
I won't give in
I can't recreate what just might have been
I know that my heart will find love again
Now is the time to begin

I can't hold on forever baby
I'll be okay

Mother ~ Lennon

This is an intense song, one which I believe we can all relate to in one way or another. John Lennon's parents, and the agony he felt for their loss are the focus of "Mother". Julia Lennon, was killed when John was 17 yrs old by an allegedly drunk-driving off-duty policeman who ran her over in a crosswalk. John's aunt Mimi raised him, which explains the line, "Mother you had me, but I never had you." His father, Alf Lennon, a merchant seaman, abandoned him as an infant for the sea and work. "I wanted you, you didn't need me" explains his feelings about his dad.

Yes it is very sad and I'm having a moment. However, I still have an appreciation for John's music. This particular song starts with church bells ringing signifying death. Lennon wrote this while he was undergoing "Primal Scream" therapy. He was dealing with a lot of issues that were detailed in the lyrics.

Rest in peace John, rest in peace mom and dad, I miss you all.

Art credit Art.com


Time to move on to more upbeat music, thoughts and activities. I will be writing more fun blogs soon. Thanks for reading/listening.

This post and the posts below are not about any one person, just thoughts. :D

Oh Happy Day ~ Forgotten Music

Longfellow My Favorite Poet

The day is cold, and dark, and dreary;
It reains, and the wind is never weary;
The vine still clings to the mouldering wall,
But at every gust more dead leaves fall,
And the day is dark and dreary.

My life is cold and dark and dreary.
It rains and the wind is never weary.
My thoughts still cling to the mouldering past.
And youth's fond hopes fall thick in the blast.
And my life is dark and dreary.

Be still, sad heart and cease repining
Behind the clouds is the sun still shining
Thy fate is the common fate of all
Into each life some rain must fall
Some days must be dark and dreary.

A friend sent me this video...hmm nice but what?

Rest In Peace Sweetheart

Such a brave little ten year old. I love you and will miss you sweetie.
Xi'an born February 8th, 1999 ~ August 15th, 2009


My love to your mom, Holly, sister Tori, dad Aicel, grandparents Vicky and Bob. I'm so sorry.



July 2008. The last time we were together at the Waffle House in Austin, TX. We had just picked up the girls at the airport. Xi'an, Holly, and Tori. Ice and I were on the other side of the booth acting silly. We had fun... they ordered everything on the menu, then we sang on the way back to the house. Of course I sat in the back seat of the car with the girls and acted like a kid ~ but they love that.





THIS IS FOR YOU XI'AN .... YOUR FAVORITE VIDEO.

Oldies But Goodies

Damn I love music. (Why did I give my iPod away?) It says what we think and in a rhythmical way. I love to play the piano and sing. I also play the fife, yes you read it right.
I wish I was so high right now that I could really just lose myself in music the way I did when my friends and I would get a pound of weed, smoke our brains out and just get so into music there was nothing else in the world that mattered. What the musician was saying to us... that was our bible. I long for those days. Those days when we laughed until we cried and stayed together for entire weeks at a time. We had a special bond that has never been broken. I have been friends with these people since I was six years old. Guys you could sleep with, I mean sleep not sex and never had to worry about being taken advantage of, brothers. We had our own cocoon no one could penetrate it. Family, extended family. Closer than blood... family.

Let's Keep the Faith

It's getting so difficult to believe in humanity. This is particularly disturbing to me because I normally trust everyone assuming they mean well for their neighbors. Now I know this is an enormous inaccuracy in the real world. What are we to expect from our fellow humans? NOTHING that’s what. You can never expect anyone to be more than a mere imperfect mortal. I group myself in this category, so don’t take my inventory because you will find flaws. I know I’m not perfect, have needs and wants but I give and I give until I have nothing left. No I’m not complaining what's more, I enjoy giving regularly. The thing that hurts me to a great extent is when I trust someone and they turn out to be foe. This hurts my heart so much and makes me doubt our entire race.

Why is it a good thing to harm someone else to propel yourself into feeling powerful and above others? Why does one put a warm aromatic cookie in front of a hungry person, slap their hand as they reach for it yank it back and laugh in their face as you gobble it up? Why not give the hungry person the cookie? Or at the very least, give him half, don’t break him mentally.

The point of this little rant is to try and make others think twice before they hurt someone’s feelings. Try to be kind, try to be understanding we are not all in the same place in life and may not comprehend what you desire from us at the moment. Try to be human and recognize humans have flaws. I so hope people can be a little kinder to at least one person each and every day. Personally, I try to smile and be kind to everyone I come across in my life. I don’t care what people look like, their stature in life or their race, color, creed, weight, or age. All I request is for you to have the same respect for me. If anyone offers you their love at least don’t throw it away, take it and do not fracture their heart. If you don’t love them in return, fine but at least treat them in a way it won’t hurt.

Gloucester, Massachusetts

Gloucester is beautiful. Please watch this video if you have a few minutes. This is my hometown and where many celebrities go during the summer lots who have summer homes there. Yes, I have to tell you that because everyone should know. I'm proud of it. :P

Xi'an

Such a brave little ten year old. I love you sweetie.

Remember Dear ole' Dad today

~To the right is a photo of my Dad.~

Don't forget your dad today. Even if you don't get along or are estranged, he won't be here forever and you don't want any regrets. If you do have any issues with your dad or mom, resolve them, they are the people who brought you into this world, crazy as it can be. I never understood people who don't talk with their own families. I have a very close family and no matter their strengths or faults, I will always love them and never discard them like I see people doing. When it all boils down, you only have your family, no one else will ever be as loyal or care about you the way your family does. Well I know there are exceptions to that thought considering some people's personalities and upbringing. But do the best you can and have not regrets in your life. If your family doesn't want to be close to you, give it your best shot and don't hold a grudge, sometimes people are in their own heads and can't see your point of view but if YOU try then you will be okay with yourself.

Anyway, Happy Father's Day to all you dads and Dad I'm thinking of you today. I'm happy I have no regrets. My memories of you are that of a very strong man who took very good care of his six children. He ruled with an iron fist but you knew he loved you and wanted the best for us.

Mobile and Public Memorials

I’m trying to make sense of memorials posted on automobile’s windows and the sides of the roads. Why do people do this?

Seriously I know it’s difficult and painful to lose someone close to you but why would the rest of us want to read about it while driving down the street? It’s like “look at me, feel bad for me, I lost someone I love”. I got news for you, everyone has lost someone they loved dearly, everyone. It’s never easy but I don’t feel the need to advertise it on my car. I do feel for these families, I’m not heartless, I just don’t understand the logic. You won’t forget this person if you don’t have it on your vehicle or the side of the road. You should be remembering them in your own way and not forcing your grief on the rest of us.

The newest trend is to put photos of the victims on the memorials. One memorial I am citing is that of one which I see almost every day and is right down the street from my home. It’s a small hand made wooden cross painted white with a man’s photo covered in plastic and glued to the middle of the cross. His name, birth and death dates inscribed on the cross and some tacky plastic flowers stuck in the ground around it. When I die, please don’t put any plastic flowers anywhere for me. I hate plastic flowers with a passion.

When someone gets killed by a car that is not where their soul is for eternity. If you must go somewhere to pray, go to church if you want to pray and remember them, the house of God. Don’t go to where the horrific fatal accident occurred and dredge up bad memories of that fatal day. It seems to me to be torturous to one’s self to do that. How do you think the deceased would feel if they knew you were doing this? I’m certain if they loved you as you did them, they wouldn’t want you to go to the place of their death and feel the pain of said death every time you went there. Go now, go to church or a beautiful spot and think lovely harmonious thoughts of your loved one. Be grateful you had them in your life, don’t dwell on how or where they passed.

Show Me Your um.....

My how things have changed since I was a teenager.
When I was a teenager we didn’t show our breasts to the general public, I don’t think my boyfriend ever saw my breasts. The only ones who did show them were the women you heard about that flashed people at a biker rally. And they were thought of as “tough biker chicks” and whores. Now it’s common for women to take nude or provocative photos of herself and share them with the whole world on the internet or sex texting or more commonly known as sex-ting. It’s like no big deal. Or….is it?
In some states they are trying to make it a law if a girl under 16 years old sends nude photos of herself to anyone, on her cell phone or any media, she can be charged with distributing child pornography. And if her boyfriend receives the photo and is gets caught he can be charged as a sex offender. This is a felony and he will have to register as sex offender permanently, a life long label for him. That is a very harsh sentence for something many think is harmless.

I’m not sure why Americans are so uptight about the female breast anyway. Europeans think we are crazy because we are so infatuated with the them. It’s just a body part and their purpose is to feed babies not to entertain men. Well I’m not getting on my high horse or anything, just making an observation. As soon as my body is the way I want it, and it’s getting better along with my face, I’m going to show the world anything I want to. I am planning a trip with some other people (group rate) to Columbia for plastic surgery in one year and have to prepare by losing weight. I’m going to fornicate with everyone who feels like fornicating with me too. Why not? Everyone’s doing it. My new moto: Use um and lose um.

A Few of My Favorite Things

Left is The von Trapp Family Lodge, Stowe, VT, photographer unknown.


The hills are alive with "The Sound of Muuuuusic". I still love the sound track and the movie. Did you know that Maria von Trapp is actually in a scene, at the convent, in the movie? Yes, she is an extra and walks across the screen behind the movie stars. This movie brings out the little kid in me. Oh wait a minute I'm always like a little kid. Anyway, I was just recalling singing the song, Sixteen Going on Seventeen, dancing and jumping from huge rock to huge rock like, Angela Cartwright did in the movie in the gazebo scene; she jumped from bench seat to bench seat while she sang and danced in circles. It was behind my house in the woods, and I sang at the top of my lungs but I was actually only about six years old and could almost suspend my belief to where I was in the movie. Do Re Me was the first song I ever played on the piano, oh how proud I was.

One of the big highlights in life was going to the von Trapp Family Lodge in Stowe, Vermont on a ski trip, which is where the actual von Trapp family moved to when they left Austria. It's a 2,400-acre resort has breath taking "sweeping mountain views" not unlike Austria because Vermont is beautiful also and one of my favorite states. I'd share some shots I took there but they are actual film photos and I don't know where they are at the moment and would have to scan them in. The one here is from a web page, they didn’t site any photographer.

Dreams and my Observance

Last night I dreamed I was talking with my mom who passed eight months ago so I was enjoying talking and seeing her. I was about to tell her how much I miss her and how hard it was that she is gone and I woke up. When I fell back to sleep I was dreaming of a black snake trying to bite me. I found some raisins and candy and fed it to him until he died. So I went from a nice dream to a nightmare. What the heck does this mean? Does it mean anything or just that my brain is trying to work things out while I sleep. Gosh, I hope it's the later or I'm in dire need of a psychiatrist.

Why can't we go back to sleep and finish our dreams? What makes us dream? Dreams are often a reflection of your day memory. I believe this to be true since I received an old photograph of my parents yesterday from a cousin and it made me feel a lot of emotion. Our dreams are unique. No other individual can have your experiences, your emotions, or your background. Every dream is connected with your own "reality". I want to see my mom so I dream about her. I have no idea what the snake nightmare represents. Anyway, this is just a short observance and I’m trying to sort out the what and why of it all.